Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
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Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.