Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
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Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
We avoided this particular disaster
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?