A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
When the zombie apocalypse comes, we’ll be the last to go because we never leave our houses.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”