[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
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Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
peep davidson
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe