my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
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Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
What’s a Messi?
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?