Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
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Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Oh boy, $150,000!
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.