[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
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Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
I love twitter
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
just left a huge legacy in there
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.