Me driving through Toronto
You Might Also Like
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital