You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
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I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Denise please return my vape pen
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.