Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
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If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.