Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
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I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.