Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
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“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE