The pen is writier than the sword.
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I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Incredible customer service.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”