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@Trustedshoe : [me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
@Trustedshoe: Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
@Trustedshoe: My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
@Trustedshoe: Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don't call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
@Trustedshoe: Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
@Trustedshoe: [commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.