She: You have a girlfriend?
He: No. I had one, though.
She: Where did she go?
He: She #Ransomware
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
I ate everything, including the H.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”