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Page of Try2StopME's best tweets

@Try2StopME : She: You have a girlfriend?

He: No. I had one, though.

She: Where did she go?

He: She #Ransomware

@Try2StopME: Girl1: Why are you so happy?

Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said "Parking Fine"

@Try2StopME: My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs...

I've been his customer for 6 years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

@Try2StopME: I wrote to the Bank: "My Cheque was returned with remark 'Insufficient funds'. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?"

@Try2StopME: The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.

@Try2StopME: 15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama's visit.

This is ridiculous. Just because he's black doesnt mean he'll steal anything. Racists!

@Try2StopME: I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.

@Try2StopME: Interviewer: "So why should we hire you?"

Me: "Cause I need a job very badly."

Interviewer: "So?"

Me: "And you have a vacancy. BINGO"

@Try2StopME: Tim Cook: "We're excited to annou-"
#Apple fans: "We'll buy it."
Tim Cook: "Let me fini-"
Apple fans: "We'll buy that too."