Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
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friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
I can’t be the only one 😂
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.