How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
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“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions