My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
I wanna work for a company where if you pass the drug test you get fired.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
The next person who calls it an ATM Machine is getting sent to the ICU Unit.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.