There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
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Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
me irl
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.