Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
You Might Also Like
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Message from the dog groomers
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Holy moly
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.