How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
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Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.