Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
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BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*