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Page of Tups13's best tweets

@Tups13 : Once a baby dragon flew out in front of my car and I screamed. Turned out it was just a pheasant.
I have lots of good stories like this.

@Tups13: You hear about people running amok but what about people doing other things amok? I often eat chocolate amok and you don't hear about that.

@Tups13: Your time difference cannot harm me. My insomnia is like a shield of steel.

@Tups13: Me: Will you help me find my Pikachu onesie?
Her: Let’s split up.
Me: Good thinking. We can cover more ground that way.
Me: Oh.

@Tups13: I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.

@Tups13: You don’t have to own a dog to carry a bag of poo around in public. Literally anyone can do it.

@Tups13: Why are they called library fines and not hush money?

@Tups13: Researcher: We’d like you to be part of a focus group.
Me [squinting terribly]: Who said that?

@Tups13: When I receive an invoice that says ‘early settlement would be appreciated’ I build them a Neolithic village.

@Tups13: Sex? When I saw you lying naked on the bed surrounded by candles I assumed you were performing a satanic ritual. What, I'm a mindreader now?