Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
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Girl, same.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
the best thing i’ve ever made
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
They did not think through this water fountain