@Tups13

Her: I’m a model.
Me: You look so real!

@Tups13

Why is it called a broken pelvis and not a hipwreck?

@Tups13

Once a baby dragon flew out in front of my car and I screamed. Turned out it was just a pheasant.
I have lots of good stories like this.

@Tups13

You hear about people running amok but what about people doing other things amok? I often eat chocolate amok and you don’t hear about that.

@Tups13

Your time difference cannot harm me. My insomnia is like a shield of steel.

@Tups13

Me: Will you help me find my Pikachu onesie?
Her: Let’s split up.
Me: Good thinking. We can cover more ground that way.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: Oh.

@Tups13

I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.

@Tups13

You don’t have to own a dog to carry a bag of poo around in public. Literally anyone can do it.

@Tups13

Why are they called library fines and not hush money?

@Tups13

Researcher: We’d like you to be part of a focus group.
Me [squinting terribly]: Who said that?