When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
You Might Also Like
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
The answer is funnier than the question
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
So that’s what we looked like?
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha