Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
You Might Also Like
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
HERE’S MARKY
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album