My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
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Nice try, NASA
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.