Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.