if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
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hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash