“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
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imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Waiting for the Charmin
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.