My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
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Leaving the Barbers like
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.