@TweetPotato314

detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you

me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh

victim: well he had large forearms

me: oh thank christ

@TweetPotato314

date: what do u do

me: well u know big bird

date: omg. u play him

me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him

@TweetPotato314

using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me

@TweetPotato314

me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel

also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti

@TweetPotato314

me:

professor x: yes, i can read minds

me:

professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one

@TweetPotato314

Me: when is your birthday

Her: March 1st

Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?

@TweetPotato314

one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason

@TweetPotato314

Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*

Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.

@TweetPotato314

me: what’s the weather today

weatherman: party sunny

me: and tomorrow?

weatherman: partly cloudy

me: what’s the difference

weatherman:

me:

weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much

[a red dot appears on my forehead]