Funny Tweeter

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Page of TweetPotato314's best tweets

@TweetPotato314 : one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason

@TweetPotato314: Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*

Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.

@TweetPotato314: me: can i be frank for a sec

boss: sure

frank: thank you

@TweetPotato314: me: what’s the weather today

weatherman: party sunny

me: and tomorrow?

weatherman: partly cloudy

me: what’s the difference

weatherman:

me:

weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much

[a red dot appears on my forehead]

@TweetPotato314: her: well don't just stand there, say something

me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross

her: i said i'm pregnant matt

me: his hair could be the brush part

@TweetPotato314: wife: how was your first day

me: i was a baby

wife: i meant at work

me: *crying again* same

@TweetPotato314: me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach

wife: we have never discuss-

me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back

@TweetPotato314: me: babe come quick

wife: what?

me: just hurry

wife: no, it’s always something dumb

me: not this time

*wife walks into living room*

me: i put the dog in a suit

wife: i want a divorce

me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator

@TweetPotato314: mom: how was the ballgame

me: they showed sex on tv

mom: what?

dad: he means the kiss cam

me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that's for sure different than sex and I knew that

@TweetPotato314: *throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money