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Page of TweetPotato314's best tweets

@TweetPotato314 : [ancient greece]

teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis

hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine

socrates: I am examining what it means to be

ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear

@TweetPotato314: me: our first night as man and wife

bride: you know what that means ;)

me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this

bride: what

me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel

spouse: why

me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage

@TweetPotato314: me: this haunted house is so scary

wife:

me: look at all the spooky witches

wife: we are in a house of mirrors

me: oh no they seem mad

@TweetPotato314: partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard

me: yep

partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire

me: that’s right

partygoer: where did you two meet

me: tall chair store

@TweetPotato314: my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

@TweetPotato314: wife: where’s the baby

me: in the cradle

wife: but where’s the cradle

me: on the treetop

[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]

me: I just thought of a song

@TweetPotato314: interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

@TweetPotato314: dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor

@TweetPotato314: [in doomsday bunker]

wife: we're out of food

me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive

chicken: yes but who?

@TweetPotato314: [wedding day]

fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer

me: but he’s my best friend

[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]