i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?