Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
me: how much to see the great white sharks?
vendor: tickets are $25 each
me: alright *looks up from wallet* how much for the just ok white sharks?
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.