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Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?

Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess

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[Sea World]

me: how much to see the great white sharks?

vendor: tickets are $25 each

me: alright *looks up from wallet* how much for the just ok white sharks?

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waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?

hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing

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[Road trip]

me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on

kids: it’s just a blank CD

me: SHHH

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wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table

me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training

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Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?

Date: actually, I love graveyards

Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?

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I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.

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Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.

Me: Oh, who got the last spot?

Coach: Umm

Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?

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When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.