Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.