[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.