fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
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Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again