@TweetPotato314

me: what’s the weather today

weatherman: party sunny

me: and tomorrow?

weatherman: partly cloudy

me: what’s the difference

weatherman:

me:

weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much

[a red dot appears on my forehead]

@TweetPotato314

her: well don’t just stand there, say something

me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross

her: i said i’m pregnant matt

me: his hair could be the brush part

@TweetPotato314

wife: how was your first day

me: i was a baby

wife: i meant at work

me: *crying again* same

@TweetPotato314

me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach

wife: we have never discuss-

me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back

@TweetPotato314

me: babe come quick

wife: what?

me: just hurry

wife: no, it’s always something dumb

me: not this time

*wife walks into living room*

me: i put the dog in a suit

wife: i want a divorce

me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator

@TweetPotato314

mom: how was the ballgame

me: they showed sex on tv

mom: what?

dad: he means the kiss cam

me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that

@TweetPotato314

[i arrive in hell]

Satan: welcome

Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol

Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up

Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao

Satan:

Me:

Satan:

[i arrive in super hell]

@TweetPotato314

wife: what r u doing

me: shredding my birth certificate

wife: why

me: *starts disappearing* it’s working

@TweetPotato314

Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out

Wife: yes why

Me: my boss fired me today