Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
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Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang