WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
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80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
But I really needed water water water
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.