There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
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[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.