@TweetsByTheTony

*runs away from it all*

*runs back*

*grabs phone charger*

*runs away from it all again*

@TweetsByTheTony

We buried my grandmother, yesterday.

She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.

@TweetsByTheTony

Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra

@TweetsByTheTony

In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.

@TweetsByTheTony

El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.

@TweetsByTheTony

If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.

@TweetsByTheTony

Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.

*winks*

@TweetsByTheTony

Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.

*winks*

@TweetsByTheTony

[ouija board]

Who are you?

*board begins spelling*

G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O

What the — a Luigi Board?!

W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E

@TweetsByTheTony

Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.