roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
You Might Also Like
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Weirdly Wednesday.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”