Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of TwinSurvivalist's best tweets

@TwinSurvivalist : Cashier: That'll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?

@TwinSurvivalist: My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn't know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.

@TwinSurvivalist: Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.

University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,

@TwinSurvivalist: Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.

@TwinSurvivalist: Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?

@TwinSurvivalist: The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.

@TwinSurvivalist: There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.

@TwinSurvivalist: I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.