Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@TwinSurvivalist : Cashier: That'll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
@TwinSurvivalist: My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn't know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
@TwinSurvivalist: Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
@TwinSurvivalist: [Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON'T BRING ME JOY!
@TwinSurvivalist: Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
@TwinSurvivalist: Will I understand Se7en if I didn't see 1ne though Si6?
@TwinSurvivalist: Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
@TwinSurvivalist: The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
@TwinSurvivalist: There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
@TwinSurvivalist: I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.