@TwinSurvivalist

While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.

@TwinSurvivalist

[2025]

Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.

@TwinSurvivalist

Life hack:

Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.

@TwinSurvivalist

Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects

Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again

@TwinSurvivalist

Friend: Whatcha up to?

Me: Just chewing my toenails.

Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.

Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?

@TwinSurvivalist

Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.

@TwinSurvivalist

I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.

@TwinSurvivalist

Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life

Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.

Genie: There are four rules…