While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life
Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…