Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
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PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.