*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
You Might Also Like
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Stick it to the man
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.