Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
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Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude