Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of TySmithdrums's best tweets

@TySmithdrums : "I SHOULD HAVE KILLED YOU WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE," I scream, as a sudden gust of wind blows the spider I threw outside onto my face.

@TySmithdrums: Me: "Can I see the baby?"

Sister: "Yes, but only if she's awake."

Me, through a megaphone: "NOT A PROBLEM."

@TySmithdrums: Imagine a drunk porcupine trying to sneak into bed without waking his porcupine wife but his porcupine wife put balloons everywhere.

@TySmithdrums: I got hit by a car today, guys. Don't worry. I'm okay. It just grazed me, ripped my cargo pants pocket clean off, egg rolls everywhere.

@TySmithdrums: Me: "I can't find your phone."
Her: "Call it."
Me: "Here, phone!"
Her: "I hate you."

@TySmithdrums: When I'm at a bar with my cousin she doesn't think it's funny when I yell 'BUT HE'S YOUR GYNECOLOGIST!' every time the music dies down.

@TySmithdrums: Hey, girl. Are you a potato? because I'm about to. Mash. You. Up. Oh. You ARE a potato. And a talking potato at that. My meds aren't working

@TySmithdrums: I bought a spray bottle to break my girlfriend of looking at her phone when I'm speaking. I hide it after use so she doesn't know who did it

@TySmithdrums: Thousands of religions and you're damned if you choose incorrectly? There must be people in Hell asking,"So! What religion are you in for?"