[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
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Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
idk what he going thru but i feel him
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.