“I SHOULD HAVE KILLED YOU WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE,” I scream, as a sudden gust of wind blows the spider I threw outside onto my face.
Me: “Can I see the baby?”
Sister: “Yes, but only if she’s awake.”
Me, through a megaphone: “NOT A PROBLEM.”
Imagine a drunk porcupine trying to sneak into bed without waking his porcupine wife but his porcupine wife put balloons everywhere.
I got hit by a car today, guys. Don’t worry. I’m okay. It just grazed me, ripped my cargo pants pocket clean off, egg rolls everywhere.
Me: “I can’t find your phone.”
Her: “Call it.”
Me: “Here, phone!”
Her: “I hate you.”
When I’m at a bar with my cousin she doesn’t think it’s funny when I yell ‘BUT HE’S YOUR GYNECOLOGIST!’ every time the music dies down.
Hey, girl. Are you a potato? because I’m about to. Mash. You. Up. Oh. You ARE a potato. And a talking potato at that. My meds aren’t working
I bought a spray bottle to break my girlfriend of looking at her phone when I’m speaking. I hide it after use so she doesn’t know who did it
Thousands of religions and you’re damned if you choose incorrectly? There must be people in Hell asking,”So! What religion are you in for?”