Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
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LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Close call…