If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
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[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”