Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
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What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
only writing recipes in wordart from now on