I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
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Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Best seat on the street 😍
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Phones down.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.