“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
You Might Also Like
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
How high do the levels go?
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
This is the one