“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
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We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Me buying fruit and veg
why would tinder want me to say this
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
*lint rolls you awake*
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?